Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Twenty bucks or Good Karma?

I was walking into work today, not in the greatest of moods, when I saw a $20 bill lying right in front of me as I walked through the parking lot. My first reaction was "Yes!! $20 richer! cha-ching!" And then I realized it was just outside of a mini van...and it sure did look awfully probable that whoever drove that mini van had dropped it as they made their way into work. It didn't take but a couple more steps to decide I'd much rather gamble on good karma than pocket $20. So tracked down the owner of that mini van and found out that she had, indeed, lost a $20 bill from her pocket that morning. Of course, I returned it to her. My friends are telling me that the power ball is now $222 million...I believe I will go buy my first ever lottery ticket today...bring on the good karma.

So, I've been MIA for a while again. Training has been sporadicly consistent. Does that make sense? Oxymoron or not, that is the only way to describe it. I've managed to let the Mach Tenn Triathlon fill up before registering, but I'm curious as to whether the VP of the club(that would me) that is putting on the race can get a string pulled for her in that regard? If not, maybe it's a sign that I'm so undertrained I need to opt for working the event rather than racing it. If I do get in, the goal will be to finish, and only to finish. I expect to get my @ss handed to me by many people, one of who is my sister (doing her 1st triathlon of all things! But she is fast!), but I'm a big girl, and I can take it. If you don't put in the training you can't expect to be strong, and that's just the way it is. Somehow it seems awfully lame of me to not race under these circumstances, though...especially since I have no good explanation as to why I haven't put in the training(no injuries or anything). I simply have been turning off the alarm instead of getting in good, quality morning workouts; and I've been opting to watch American Idol or sitting at the kids' ball practices instead of going to masters' swim class. The actual games, though, I do consider an excused absense, for the record.

Speaking of all this laziness, though, it's about to come to an end. I do despise such a way of life. It starts and ends with mental fortitude. Life on a daily basis without it is very nonproductive. You know I've been roaming around like a lost sheep wondering what in the hell I'm going to do now that my Ironman is over, and I'm not registered for anything. Everyone says "register for a smaller event and work toward that," but for someone of my mentality it seems like that would be comparable with snorting 1 line of cocaine when you are used to snorting 5. For the record, that analogy could be way off as I have never been a drug user and, other than Hollywood's interpretation, I know nothing much about it...unless you count 20 mile runs and 100 mile rides as drugs...and granted, you could have an argument there. Back to the point, though, having a smaller race than an Ironman as an A race for me, just isn't going to cut it right now. Perhaps at some point I'll be able realign the sensible railways in my head about this stuff, but for now I need something bigger. Like something I've never done before.

XTERRA Lock 4 Blast.

July 18th. I've been tossing it around for a while, but I made up my mind during a 20 mile road ride yesterday. Comfort zone, be gone. Back to swim class, back to the trails, back to early morning training. Back to being discliplined, and back to eating right.

I feel better already.

Wednesday, May 06, 2009

Necessary Silence

Authenticity is something I hold very close to my heart. I believe in being true - true to God, true to family and friends(including you), and most importantly, true to myself. Not to say we don't all have slightly different personalities depending on who we're conversing with; for instance, I probably don't use the same tone and dialect when I'm speaking with a company executive about the latest economic developments that I use when sitting at the ball park discussing the best strategy to win, or when I'm fussing about the humidity while trying to gut out another few miles of a long run. We all understand that. But keeping things real, as in really real, can sometimes be scary. That being said, please forgive my absence on this blog lately. As if my sporadic training had not been a key indicator, I don't mind telling you that my heart hasn't been into the great sport of triathlon in a while. Knowing this, and embracing it, I dove back into the baseball mom persona who does nothing but go to work and tote her kids from place to place. I love taking my boys to baseball practice, and you know I would never miss a game they were playing in, but in all things, I've been reminded balance is still important. I'm not a lot of fun hanging out a baseball practice if I'm stressed to the max and need a good 5 mile run that I've neglected for a week.

Not to switch the subject, but Ironman is hard to follow. Need I explain to you the depth of the butterflies I get when reflecting upon the waves and the crowd...the sweat and the salt...the fatigue...the barely making it to T-2...the running out into the sunset...the desperate attempt to eat something that would supply some energy...and the rebound...the rebound...the "I'm okay-I will do this"...the sunset...the darkness...the spotlights...the loud speaker...and the voice - you know the one I'm talking about...the crowd...and sheer euhphoria that can make a 32 year old mom who's gone 140.5 miles in the past 11 hours and 58 minutes break out into a sprint and feel like she could go 20 more if she needed to.

It's hard to follow.

It was something I've had in the back of my mind for 4 years, and something that had been my main focus and an extremely high priority for the entire year leading up to it. It was everything I ever wanted it to be and more, but it's still just an event. It has an end. It doesn't last forever. It's not something that defines who I am, it's just a small part of me. I'll do another one someday; how could I not? But not now.

So the extra time I've had on my hands sans IM training has left me tons of time to think and explore lots of other avenues that I had left on the back burner. Intitially, I didn't know what to think of it. I tried to rationalize...tried to justify and such, but I finally just decide I needed to retreat and gather my thoughts. I was having a hard time giving you the real Lana...and I didn't like that at all. I needed to shut up and listen, and quit running my big mouth so much. So that's what I've been doing, and really what I am still doing. I have some ideas and some goals in mind, but I'm still regrouping and still trying to determine which road I should take next. I've had some struggles and some victories lately, and I'll share them with you soon. The silence has been refreshing, but you know I can't stay quiet for long. :) I'll also get caught up on all of your blogs eventually - I'm still working on that.

In the meantime...feel free to friend me on Facebook or follow me on Twitter if you want a more up to date account of what may be going through my head at any random moment.