Wednesday, May 06, 2009

Necessary Silence

Authenticity is something I hold very close to my heart. I believe in being true - true to God, true to family and friends(including you), and most importantly, true to myself. Not to say we don't all have slightly different personalities depending on who we're conversing with; for instance, I probably don't use the same tone and dialect when I'm speaking with a company executive about the latest economic developments that I use when sitting at the ball park discussing the best strategy to win, or when I'm fussing about the humidity while trying to gut out another few miles of a long run. We all understand that. But keeping things real, as in really real, can sometimes be scary. That being said, please forgive my absence on this blog lately. As if my sporadic training had not been a key indicator, I don't mind telling you that my heart hasn't been into the great sport of triathlon in a while. Knowing this, and embracing it, I dove back into the baseball mom persona who does nothing but go to work and tote her kids from place to place. I love taking my boys to baseball practice, and you know I would never miss a game they were playing in, but in all things, I've been reminded balance is still important. I'm not a lot of fun hanging out a baseball practice if I'm stressed to the max and need a good 5 mile run that I've neglected for a week.

Not to switch the subject, but Ironman is hard to follow. Need I explain to you the depth of the butterflies I get when reflecting upon the waves and the crowd...the sweat and the salt...the fatigue...the barely making it to T-2...the running out into the sunset...the desperate attempt to eat something that would supply some energy...and the rebound...the rebound...the "I'm okay-I will do this"...the sunset...the darkness...the spotlights...the loud speaker...and the voice - you know the one I'm talking about...the crowd...and sheer euhphoria that can make a 32 year old mom who's gone 140.5 miles in the past 11 hours and 58 minutes break out into a sprint and feel like she could go 20 more if she needed to.

It's hard to follow.

It was something I've had in the back of my mind for 4 years, and something that had been my main focus and an extremely high priority for the entire year leading up to it. It was everything I ever wanted it to be and more, but it's still just an event. It has an end. It doesn't last forever. It's not something that defines who I am, it's just a small part of me. I'll do another one someday; how could I not? But not now.

So the extra time I've had on my hands sans IM training has left me tons of time to think and explore lots of other avenues that I had left on the back burner. Intitially, I didn't know what to think of it. I tried to rationalize...tried to justify and such, but I finally just decide I needed to retreat and gather my thoughts. I was having a hard time giving you the real Lana...and I didn't like that at all. I needed to shut up and listen, and quit running my big mouth so much. So that's what I've been doing, and really what I am still doing. I have some ideas and some goals in mind, but I'm still regrouping and still trying to determine which road I should take next. I've had some struggles and some victories lately, and I'll share them with you soon. The silence has been refreshing, but you know I can't stay quiet for long. :) I'll also get caught up on all of your blogs eventually - I'm still working on that.

In the meantime...feel free to friend me on Facebook or follow me on Twitter if you want a more up to date account of what may be going through my head at any random moment.


Anonymous said...

I think we all at times need to step back and retreat. You had a huge year where you sacrificed so much as well as accomplished a ton, now it is time to enjoy things you missed and just let life take you to where you are suppose to go next.

Enjoy watching your boys play ball!

Missy said...

It IS a hard act to follow, isn't it? Very hard. No shame in that.

Enjoy your time, explore your time and I hope to see you soon.

TriSaraTops said...

Hear ya loud and clear, girl. It is such a ride, and kind of hard to come off of. Or follow up. SO with you on so many levels here. I'm here to chat or vent or bounce ideas around if you need it.

You continue to be a huge source of inspiration to me. Keep being you. :)

Benson said...

I heart your candidness. You're a great mom and putting family first is praiseworthy.
IM will always be there when and if you want it.
Enjoy the boys of summer.

Big Daddy Diesel said...

Sometimes it is good to step back and enjoy the simple things that matter.

SUB6 said...

I haven't done Ironman (yet) ... the thought of training and racing it doesn't worry me BUT afterwards does. Your 'feelings' after Ironman seem to be very common. When it's over - what next??? It seems that unless you have the time / inclination / motivation to continue doing Ironman then I'm thinking it may be best to just leave it alone. I might just stick to the halfs :)

Jessica said...

You will know what the "it" is when it is time! Enjoy the time with your boys, you won't regret it, that's for sure! Good to hear you again!