Doomed

...and sent to Post Ironman Purgatory.

Let's just be real here. First, be forewarned:

This post is not necessarily the motivational type. It's just real, unedited half redneck babble from the head of a Recent Ironman/wannabe supermom/I've lost my focus/get me out of this damned recession because it's screwing with my plans/Did I even ever have a plan?/Where do I go from here? If you are easily de-motivated, grab onto your mouse and quickly navigate to another blog.

Here's the skinny...

I'm not Catholic, but I know about Purgatory. It's that "holding place" you're sent to if you're not good enough to get into heaven, but you aren't quite hell material yet, either. I've never really given it a whole lotta thought in my time, but as I was wallowing around in my own self pity the other day, wondering what in the world I'm going to do about my never ending delima of train hard or don't train at all, mixed with "I'm not missing out on anything my kids have going on this year," it hit me - I'm in Ironman Purgitory.

I'm not in Ironman Heaven, like TriGreyhound, out riding for hours and running afterwards and swimming for miles and miles and just knowing that you are the baddest em-effer to ever walk on the planet. Seeing your veins pop out, and wiping the salt off your head, and sleeping for 10 hours and still waking up tired. Following the plan and holding yourself accountable and finding the personal integrity it takes to go the extra mile and a half past your car because the plan said to ride 100 and you got back at 97. Grittin' your teeth and diggin' down deep and tired-back-be-damned-I WILL cross that finish line if I have to effin' crawl to get there, knowing good and well you've got no intention of crawling a single step or coasting for a single second on the day of Ironman, and therefore you're gonna bust your ass on every swim/bike/run you take part in, and you know you'll be repaid when you see the light and the forces start drawing you into that glorius finisher's chute. Now that's what I call paradise.

But I'm not really in Ironman Hell either. The beenthere/donethat, now I think I'll eat donuts and milk for the rest of my life especially since I bought all my IM paraphanalia two sizes too big to allow for the slothfulness I intend to indulge in. Now there would surely be some weeping and gnashing of teeth in there.

I remain in Ironman Purgatory. No, I'm not doing an Ironman this year. I don't want to. I owe it to J.T. and the boys to not be out swimming/riding/running every morning when they wake up. I am enjoying actually watching Bo's baseball practices, instead of sneaking in a run when I drop him off. If Briar's schedule gets changed and he has a ballgame when I was supposed to ride, it's cool to say, "Oh well, I just won't ride this afternoon. No biggie, I'm going to the game!" The conflict arises, though, when I do get out and a run 5 or 6 miles, and I feel like I haven't done shit. Or when I ride 20 miles and it just doesn't seem to satisfy me like those 50, 60 and 70 milers once did. So I get frustrated, and I take a trip to hell for a week. I just don't do anything, and I eat like crap. I don't like that either, so I'll hop back on the wagon. I'll eat right and train semi-hard, but it's just not IM. I'm not bad enough for IM Hell, but I just can't handle IM Heaven right now either.

This must be how it starts. How these people do an Ironman, and then turn around sign up for another before even 1 year has passed. It's the opium of endurance athletes. It grabs you and it won't let you go. That's cool stuff for a single girl without kids. Not so cool for a mom of two boys who need her around more than IM would to allow right now.

Wrapping my head around the concept of balance was never an easy thing to begin with. Insert Ironman Purgatory and I am restless. I am so loving the freedom of not having to do a certain workout on a certain day, but then after about 3 days of nothing I'm sitting there wondering where IronLana went and how I can get her back without doing another IM.

Real quick because I owe it to you:

I'm not doing Gulf Coast. The recession, along with my trips to IM Hell have made it impossible even though I really wanted it to happen.

I signed up for the Marine Corps Marathon - Oct. 25th.

I still want to do an Xterra or a mtb race this summer.

Still haven't lost much weight. That's still the #1 goal.