To Rekindle The Fire

**I waiver between being transparent & real and what is TMI for the internet. I posted this last night, slept 4 hours, woke up and reverted it back to a draft. It scares me. Saying some of these things makes me uncomfortable, but it's hard for me to be real without getting them out on the table. I refuse to be anything other than real, whether we're face to face or in some virtual blog/facebook/twitter world. If  you are easily offended, or if this blog is TMI for you, don't read it.

This blog left off in November of 2009. 2009 was a tough year here, and 2010 was even tougher. All this relatively speaking, of course. I've made some big changes since. I made some attempts to not settle for normal. I've also realized that there is perhaps a time and place for occasional normalcy when you are responsible for two other precious lives. I pulled off some pretty cool victories, and I've experienced some defeat. Life is just like that - it moves in waves, swings like a pendulum. Sometimes things are swinging your way, and sometimes you just have to ride out the wave and gut it out until things swing up again. When I was 19 years old, I made an immature decision to marry a man that did not share my values, my priorities, my work ethic, nor my outlook on life in general. This decision swung my proverbial pendulum in a direction that affected what has been the rest of my life, thus far. I am not embarrassed to say that I gave our "family" every ounce of energy and fight I had inside of me, multiple times and beyond reason, but I could not make it successful with this man in it. It's my life and it's just how live - I go hard, I go too far, I live hard, I love hard, and I fall hard. Then I get back up. There were some good things that came from this marriage - namely, my two super awesome kids. They are so amazingly perfect that I'd never take back any decision that led me to having the honor of being their mother. Another thing is that along that rocky road of 16 years, I have found the real source and ubiquity of my strength. There are always lessons to be learned in hard times. Iron is forged under fire...perseverance is developed during adversity...there's only one way to eat an elephant. No experience should be wasted, as that's really all we are. We are each a compilation of our past experiences and our reactions to them. Yes, our reactions to them.

All of that being said, it's time for a new challenge. It's time to give the pendulum a nudge; it's time to hop up on the surf board and dare the wave to get higher. I'm not "on the road to Ironman" anymore. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt and the free beer.  I don't have time for 6 hour workout days right now, as a single mom and full time employee in the IT consulting industry, but I need to forge some iron in my broken pile of mental fortitude. I need to restore the perseverance of the IronLana of 2008. I'm attempting the Spartan 30 Day Challenge that my buddy, Ramsey, challenged me to. I believe it's been around a while, but I look at the workouts and think "there is no way I can do that, just no way" and then it weighs on my mind like a song stuck in one's head playing over and over again, and I have come to the conclusion that I have to do it. Some of my concerns are:

• I'll have to start around 4 a.m. every morning to get it in.
• I doubt I've ever worked out 7 days straight before. 30 introduces a whole 'nuther element of self discipline
• I do not have the confidence I had in myself in 2008. I'm a bit scared and hesitant to make this commitment with so many other irons in the fire, but I see no other way across the water.
• This in no way comes before "God, family, and work," so to speak, but it has a place in my day for the next 30.

October 1 is Day 1. If you are up to the challenge as well, speak up. Let's do it.