Sunday, July 20, 2008

Reconciliation

Perhaps it's natural, or perhaps I'm psychotic; Maybe a touch of both. Either way, I go through times when I want to question the path my life is on. Not because I am unhappy with it, but because, well, I'm not really sure why, to be honest. It's not for a lack of confidence - I've never really been deficient in that department. It's not that I am terribly busy and running myself into the ground lately, either. Maybe it's my age, I don't know. I just have to stop and take inventory periodically. Kind of like taking 1 step back, so that I can take two steps forward. I have to realign my priorities, tighten up the bolts, and get my head back on straight. I am bad to fill my head with a lot of useless junk, anyways. At 31, things just don't look like they did at 21. Or 25, for that matter. Did I mention that Briar is going to middle school this coming school year? Maybe that explains it. He is 11, going on 12. Where did the time go? He can't wait to get there, but I'm not so ready for it. Crap, it was just a few years ago that I was 11, going on 12, wasn't it? At least at seems that way. So, we've got a big change coming up in our family, and big mama has to stop and take inventory.

Inventory taken. Check.

Priorities assessed and realigned as needed. Check.

Camping trip taken, fishing, kayaking, making s'mores, and telling ghost stories by the campfire. Check.

Head on straight again. Check.

Pray without ceasing. Check.

We're back in business.

Parenting is a tough job for a perfectionist. You just go down the road blindly, getting feedback here and there from school teachers and friends and family occasionally. But you never really know if you're going about it in the right way...if you're doing it as well as it can possibly be done. You just don't know yet. Only time will tell...and you want to know how it's all going to turn out, but then again, you don't want to know yet....because as soon as you know, it will be over, and it will be out of your hands. If it ever really was fully in your hands to begin with.

And so I fret over it a lot, but I have reconciled with myself this week.

In an effort to keep my will strong and my mind sharp, I buckled down on the training. I did every workout on the schedule this week, plus some. Saturday's workout was a "2hr ride on a hilly course"...I did 3 hrs in the mountains. Friday's plan was a 1hr 10 min run, and then a swim - I did 10.3 miles in 1:26 and then swam some of the best 100 yd repeats I've ever swum.

Aiding in the realignment of my prioritites, we went camping this weekend and spent hour after hour of precious family time with no video games, no computer, no television. Just the sound of the lake and fire crackling at night. The crickets chirping and the boys laughing.

For my body, I have revamped my diet. Depriving myself of everything I like only works for about 48 hours for me, and then it's all over. This time, I'm going for a long term solution - eat healthy to fuel my body, and eat healthy for life. The main goal does not involve a number on a scale, but rather a balanced, controlled diet, a fueled body, very little refined sugar, and very little excess to store as fat and drag me down. I hope the scale will respond likewise, but it is not the main goal. We will see.

And for my soul, I have been in constant prayer to My Creator. Because the fact of the matter is that sometimes I just don't know what I'm doing here. Or why I'm here. Or what I am really supposed to be doing here. I'm just kinda moving a long, one to day another, a few more miles on the running shoes, a few more miles on the bike, and few more laps in the pool. Another day at the office, another evening of pitching batting practice or spotting a back flip on the trampoline. It's a great life, don't get me wrong...I just want to know that I'm getting it right. That I'm doing all I can with the life I've been given, and the freedom that has come at such a high price to many of my fellow Americans, friends and family.

I don't have answers to my questions, but I have reconciled with myself. Sometimes the best thing that you can do is to continue on and not force an answer or a verdict right away. Do the best that you can do, make peace with where you are, and be ready for any opportunities along the way. I'm back on the road to Ironman...refocused and realigned, ready for a wild ride. And I won't settle for less...

5 comments:

D10 said...

I think at some point we all evaluate where we are in life. Sometimes we are happy with what we have accomplished, sometimes we want more, and sometimes we are in limbo.

I think the main thing to look at is if you are happy not just with what you do, but with who you are. I think if you are at peace with yourself than you are on the right track. As for the answers to your questions, I am sure they will be answered as time goes on.

Nice job getting yourself back in the game. You are on the road to victory.

Flatman said...

I love this post. We all need to step back once in a while and take a survey of where we are at that exact moment. Thanks for the reminder of the charmed life we all lead. Glad you are feeling better after recharging!
:)

TriSaraTops said...

What a beautiful post, Lana!

I really wish we lived closer. It would be so much fun to go camping with all our boys. Oh yeah, and train and stuff. But really, the camping. :)

Maybe someday we can make it work!

Borsch said...

What a great post! have you read The Alchemist? If not, you should pick it up. It is all about "one's personal legend". It is a really good read!

P.S. I'm jealous you got to go camping!

J~Mom said...

Really nice post!! Thanks for sharing it with us!