Monday, October 08, 2007

I ate an organic banana today

And I'm embarrassed to say that it was my first ever organic food purchase, to my knowledge. I want to eat organic. There's not even a grocery store that carries organic food in the town I live in. I know it is much better for us. So I went to Kroger after work (in a different town) and purchased the bananas, and I like them. Next up: organic broccoli and cauliflower.

I was going to post splits and talk about runs and stuff, but let's not do that right now. I have other stuff on my mind. Fair warning, though: This is not my typical post. Those easily offended might want to move on along for now and wait for the splits.

Ok, I'm going to admit it. I spent the last 5 years of my twenties talking about how I was not afraid of the thirties and how I welcomed them and couldn't wait to actually feel old enough to have my children and look old enough to not get carded every time I try to purchase a glass of wine.
And so I turned 30 last year(and 31 2 days ago), and now all of the sudden I'm thinking about things like I've never thought about them before. Kinda strange. Like...what is up with these wrinkles and how much does Botox cost and I need a lift here and a lift there and, well you get the picture.
Of course it doesn't help matters when you wake up one Saturday morning and your 5 year old wakes up about the same time all snuggled up in your arms, and as he starts focusing in on your face through the haze that lies between his sleep and conscienceness, he looks concerned, moves his eyes closer to my face, and says:


"Yes, Bo?"

"Momma, you're growing a lot of wrinkles on your face. Right here...and over here...and right here." (as he points first at the very obvious New Madrid Fault that lies between my eyes and gets deeper every day from my concerned and serious furrowed brow)

I jump up and go look in the mirror, and then proceed to think very Botox thoughts for the rest of the day, and week, and we'll I'm still thinking about it.

Aside from the wrinkles, though, I'm thinking that the twenties made away with my flexibility when they left. And so, I'm starting to think very panicky yoga thoughts and trying to see where and when it can be fit into my marathon schedule. I really fear becoming stiff as a board, ya know.

But those are physical things, and it's not only physical things by which I am being blindsided. It's intellectual and spiritual matters, as well. I stepped outside myself one day, took a brief look, and realized how pathetically ignorant, uneducated, and uncultured I really am. For instance,
I graduated High School with a 4.0 and went on to get a B.A. in Computer Information Systems while starting a marriage and shortly thereafter, having and raising kids. I have been to probably half of all the states, been on a little cruise to Jamaica and the Grand Cayman Islands, but I really know nothing about the
world I live in. Yes, I remember taking tests on world history (ace-ing them of course), and I watch enough of the news to hold a political discussion without completely embarrassing myself, but I think for the first time in my life, I realize that I know nearly nothing. I mean, I made the
grades in school, but I didn't really absorb anything. There were more important things in the town I lived in. During Elementary and Jr. High, kids are focused on one of two things, depending on which route they are starting to go down: 1.)The sport(s) they are playing, or 2.)The band instrument they are playing.
Get on up to high school, and the opposite sex and the next field party become number 1, with the sport/band thing a close second. Anything else is just not cool. This is not at all a knock on my parents, because they, of all people, did not stress these things and tried to keep my head screwed on as straight as possible. But there is not much a parent can do when
the entire community culture gravitates toward one or two things. Girls didn't look too far beyond their boyfriend as far their future went. And boys didn't look too far beyond the next Bud Light. But, I digress. Mom and Dad, you may now insert the "I told you so".

Some people might say this is a reflection of my age at the time and not necessarily my surroundings. Right now, the way I see it, I don't think so.

Moving on to spiritual matters, I guess this is what concerns me most right now. What do I believe about the creation of the world, and about God and the pathway to Heaven? Well, of course I believe what I was taught by my parents and Sunday school teachers at a very young age. And it was re-enforced every day/month/year from there on out. Problem is...I ask a certain question
a little too often in my life for this state of blissful ignorance to continue. That question is "Why?"

Me:Lana, why do you believe in the story of creation?

Lana:Uhhhh, well, because the Bible says so.

Me:And why do you believe the Bible?

Lana:Uhhhh, well, because Mom and Dad believe it. And so does most everyone I know.

Me:Why do you believe them? Are "they" authorities on the topic? Why do "they" believe it?

And so I am confronted with the bothersome question of why I believe what I believe about something very basic, but very important and instrumental in my entire faith. And right now, I am not sure what I believe about spirituality, and faith, and how we got here, other than a few things that I know, personally, to be true:

- I know that I am better off to be unsure but seeking the truth than to be walking around in a state of ignorant bliss based on what "they say".

- I know that I have, since I can first remember being on this earth, always instinctively talked to a superior being.

- I know that He has given me undeniable peace, when I have asked, in times of tragedy and turmoil

There you have it. Me. 31 years old. Wrinkled, Ignorant and Uncensored. And that was only a fraction of it.


Lance Notstrong said...

Wow.....that's alot to take in. Not sure that I can comment on all of it or that I would say anything enlightening. I'll just say that it's good to step back and take stock of things. I do the same thing from time to time.

Lisa said...

Lana, I have some of these thoughts and more every time I run a race. It's like an "out of body" experience. I wonder what I'm doing there, why, and if I belong there. Wait till you're 40. It only gets better. :)

Benson said...

You don't need no stink'n botox or 'lifts'. You're a 'super mom' and a great athlete.
Oh sure, kids can be brutaly honest but it's all good love.
You really are the great wife/mom/woman your kids think you are. Celebrate it daily.

BTW, Great pics of fall break.

Taryn said...

I have had such problems with wondering why I believe what I believe... there has to be a reason right? I mean, I just can't let my heart take me everywhere right?

I really like how you fit this in with organic... that's definitely going to make me think some.

And you are so blessed that your kids will be able to remember you without wrinkles ;) Your son must love you so much to follow your changes.

Rae said...

Did you write this straight out my head (with modifications for the size of where you grew up)? I think these birthdays that start with a "3" are just unnerving. And personally, I care a lot more about you as a person than you as your splits, and this is your blog so use it how YOU wish. Although it seems like people always scare away from anything that isn't some sort of race report.

Anyway, I have no answers and all I have are questions and even though it tears me up to think I am getting older and I don't have it all figured out either and realize I probably never will, at least I have a sense of happiness knowing that I am at least trying to live life and not letting it pass by. I don't ever want to be "zoned out" like it seems most people are, and I sort of think that's what you're trying to say.

Regardless I think we need a slumber party because I think we could talk all night about the same fears. Much love. =)

Tri4Christ said...

To me the fears of the physical pale in comparison to the fears of the spiritual. Our live on this earth are really as the blink of an eye, and without a peace in my heart about where I will spend eternity, I would constantly live in fear of death. As far as doubts about why you believe the Bible, remember that no other religion (that I know of) can promise the gift of eternity in Heaven. All other religions require one to work for salvation and leave on wondering if they have been "good enough". I don't think that our Creator would leave His children doubting. That's why verses in the Bible like Romans 10:9 "If you confess with your mouth the Lord Jesus and believe in you heart that God has raised Him from the dead you will be saved" are there to comfort our hearts about this. There are many others as well. I would challenge you to seek out the Lord in His Word daily and get involved in a good Bible believing church if you aren't already. God is good! He will never leave you or forsake you if you trust in Him!

Anonymous said...

Wow, I really love your blog. It's a wonderful time in your life-to think, to be alive, to seek. Just take it all in, and appreciate that you have the curious spirit learn and grow. More will be revealed!