Monday, May 14, 2007

What's going on with me?

Lots of random stuff here lately...Happy Mother's Day to all you tri-mom's out there...Congrats to Michele on finishing her first HIM at the Gulf Coast Triathlon...Congrats to TacBoy and all the other Tri-Bloggers out there who rocked WildFlower...especially Trimama, who was forced to play a different role this time.

Now on to the title of this post. I have my first tri of the season coming up in 6 days. Memphis in May. And you could say I'm looking forward to it, but I'm not carried away with the thought of it, really. I'm excited about doing the Oly Tri (it'll be my second of that distance), and I'm looking forward to spending a couple nights in Memphis/Tunica with my husband....excited about playing some poker...but I'm just not completely carried away with it. What is my deal? This time last year I was starving for a taste of a triathlon. Couldn't wait to suit up and survive the swim leg on race morning so I could have some fun on the bike and the run. And this year I've actually improved my swim, so you'd think I'd really be excited. You'd think I'd be anxious to hop out of bed at 5 a.m. every morning to get a good workout in. You'd think I'd be anxious to hear the birds chirping at 5 a.m. as the sun comes up. You'd think I'd be scanning or every day looking for new events that I might be interested in. And reading blogs constantly to find out what all the other tri-bloggers are doing. But I'm not. My mind keeps beating me up about it. Calling me lazy. Saying I'm weak. Asking where my mental fortitude has gone to.

But deep down, here's what I want right now.

I want to keep my house clean. I want to cook dinner for my family. I want to be available to help Briar with his homework. I want to be patient. I want to help Bo figure out how to catch a t-ball with a cast on his arm. I want to get in the bed early. I want to read the New Testament of the Bible on my own because I am tired of walking through life believing what I've been told or picking sides based on what I hear. I want to decide for myself. I want to hit grounders to Briar in the back yard. I want to have a glass of wine with J.T.. I want to go camping. I want to ride some mtb trails. With Briar. I want to road bike. With Briar. I want to run. With Briar. I want Bo's arm to get well so he can perfect his "bike riding sans training wheels". I want to get up at 5 a.m. with J.T. and run a mile with him. And not be concerned about getting in another workout that day. I want to do core exercises every day. I want to look in the mirror and be able to smile at what I see. I want to pass on the dessert. I want to see Briar smile when he walks off the baseball field. I want to ride my bike a very long way. I want to sign up for a 5k and run it with someone who's never run one before. I want to know without a doubt what time I will be getting up the next morning when I go to bed at night. I want to be in control.

Where did I lose control? At what point did chaos come in and rob me of my passion? Because the passion is gone. And that's just the honest truth of the matter. No, I haven't bailed on my training plan. I get the workouts in. But they aren't the same without the passion for what I'm doing. My goal this year was to have fun and not be stressed out. So I passed on doing a HIM. Cut back the training time. Went ahead and managed Bo's T-ball team. But things are still crazy. They are too complicated. Too chaotic. I can't drop the 5 lbs that need to be gone. I can't get my house in order like it should be. I can't breathe.

Is it because I haven't forced myself to get up every morning at 5 a.m.? Because sleeping late definitely has a negative effect on my mood for the day. Or am I trying to do too much? Surely not...plenty of other people do this much or more. Heck, I'm not training for an Ironman.

I don't know what my deal is. I just know that I feel unsettled and out of control. Not sure of what I want. Not sure how to get back in control. Maybe I need a routine. I thought the oly training plan I was following would give me that, but it didn't give me what I needed.

I'm going this weekend to do my first triathlon of the year. It'll be fun. I won't place in my AG, but I'll give it my all while I'm out there. But it really doesn't amount to much in the grand scheme of things, ya know. It's just a little race that no one but myself will even remember that I did in a few years. I don't know what's causing me to feel this way. I'll let you know if I figure it out.


Cliff Tam said...

Great post passion driven, not ego driven. Great step in seeing that you need to be in control.

Take it one step at a time...triathlon is just triathlon ;) family is important..and especially your spiritual life.

qcmier said...

I say it's good to step back from the training and take in all the other things around you. Have fun this weekend!!!

Kate said...

Do you what you want to do; what feels right :-)

TriJack said...

ttaining forever without the reward of a race wears on you..

i'm betting that passion will get stoked t his weekend for the race.

good luck!

Lance Notstrong said...

You do sound overwhelmed. Maybe training and events need to come second to all the other things for awhile. Throw the training plans away. Train endurance when you can, race events when you can and enjoy life with your family.

TJ said...

i agree with jack. i bet your race will turn things around for you.
good luck and have fun!

TriSaraTops said...

Do what's in your heart, and you can never go wrong, you know?

The roads and the races aren't going anywhere. That's what I am telling myself, too. :)

And I say ditch the watch--run for fun, swim without worrying about sets, and enjoy your time with your family!

jkrunning said...

Your doing great. No matter how you decide to train, or for what race, you will do great.
And it sounds like you have an awesome family already, so you must be doing something right in that department.

Mallie said...

Everyone's given some good advice. You need to do what makes you feel happy and complete. Otherwise you end up feeling drained. You've got your head on straight and your choices are going to make you happy. Best of luck this weekend. I'll holler at you about getting together to MTB sometime soon.

Michele said...

Good luck this weekend in Memphis, wish I was going with you. You are going to do great. But remember to have fun.

Bridgette said...

Wowza-go with the heart. Your kids will only be this age once. Don't worry about the dishes or the laundry or the extra 5lbs that everyone seems to be carrying around.

Rae said...

I think everyone goes through burnout at some point. Enjoy the summer and do what you want, your boys will be giants before you know it.

Enjoy the tri this weekend. A huge group of my former college-mates do it each year in honor of a classmate who died in a car accident several years ago. If you see anyone competing on behalf of the Amy Glass fund cheer loud for them, they're my homies!!

Joe said...

Don't be so hard on yourself. You can't have the eye of the tiger all the time. This is just a valley. Eventually, you'll find the motivation to get back to the peak.

Maybe you should ask yourself "What motivated me to be so focussed last year?" If you can discover the answer, then the next question is, "Can I do something to reproduce that same motivation?"

From reading your blog, I KNOW you love your family and you are absolutely devoted to them. When you exercise, you are showing your love in another way. You are staying fit and healthy so that you can be a great mom and wife for many, many years to come. That should be your true "carrot" to get out the door to exercise. Competing is certainly worthwhile but it should be a secondary "carrot".

During my valleys where I don't have the eye of the tiger to compete, I am still motivated by my duty to be healthy for my family.