Sunday, September 17, 2006

"Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death...

...I will fear no evil; for thou art with me..." -Psalm 23:4

There have been times in my life when I have sincerely felt I was "walking through the valley of the shadow of death". That being said, this time in my life does not come close to qualifying as so. However, on a very small scale, I will attempt to use it comparitively. These are not the best of times for TriLana (I think I just made myself a new name)...but I will not fear...and I'll come out stronger. I hope.

So the last time I posted, I was changing some things:

The Diet: check! The diet is better. I feel better. And I haven't had too much of a problem with it. I just can't handle junk food on a daily basis. I have been eating grilled chicken, grilled tilapia, grilled shrimp, lots of broccoli, spinach, almonds, fruit, etc. And NO DESSERT.

Commitment: Well, I can't really give a full check mark in good conscience, but it is improving. I will explain in more detail later.

I did my cross training Thursday, and did it well. I rode 18 miles averaging 19.1 mph. Friday, the plan was an open water swim with Michele after we dropped the kids off at their schools. Briar and I decided we were going to ride our bikes to school that morning - the first time ever. So we got dressed and made the 3 mile ride to his school. It was so fun! I think he really enjoyed it. We even saw my Dad as we turned the corner at the red light. Michele picked me up afterwards at the rec center and drove me out to the lake for our swim. The swim did not go well for me - I swam too far out because I site about as well as a blind person. And I had no time for another workout that day, as I had to hurry back to get Bo from J.T. because he had many appointments to keep. I ended up catching J.T. before I left to pick up Briar, and he kept Bo with him for a few more minutes while I rode my bike to Briar's school. Briar was happy to ride back, and we made our way home safely. I really enjoyed that, and I hope we can do it more before it turns too cold.

Saturday was packed with baseball practice and a friends birthday party, so I took it easy in anticipation of the Music City Triathlon the next day. Which didn't happen for me afterall. :( Last night, Bo was running a temperature of 102 degrees, and I was up most of the night with him. After 2 doses of Motrin and washing his face with a cool cloth, he finally went to sleep at 5:00 a.m. This was the time I was suppose to meet Michele to head to Nashville. Instead, I called and told her I couldn't make it. I felt like I couldn't leave him not knowing what was wrong, or if he was feeling better. I knew I'd be out on the course between 2 1/2 and 3 hours, and unable to be reached. I debated and debated, and finally decided at 4:45 that I had to make a decision. And the fact that Bo was hanging on my arm tightly, pretty well sealed the deal. Maybe that makes me a less committed triathlete, but a mother's got to do what a mother's got to do. Even it means $80 down the drain. And even if it means another knock on my struggling commitment and motivation issues.

And speaking of knocks on motivation, after Bo got to feeling better this morning I did get to go out for a run. I was suppose to run 20 miles, but I knew that would be quite ambitious in the midday heat and on less than 3 hours of sleep. So I decided I would take it easy on myself and go somewhere between 15 and 17, depending on how I felt. I took off at 10:30 a.m. and didn't feel all that great. I was keeping about a 9:45 pace...until mile 8, when I noticed my fuel belt bottles were getting pretty low...and by mile 10, I was out of Gatorade nauseated. I thought I could make it back home, and I actually climbed the very steep hill behind Cracker Barrell with not much trouble...but by mile 11, my legs were weak and I was too light headed to keep running. I walked a mile and a half, then barely jogged the last half back home. I felt horrible. I could barely even talk. And I was so discouraged. I decided that "marathons were not for me" and that I needed to retire. I asked myself a million times "why do you do this?". Nine hours later, I've had time to reflect upon successful runs that I've had. And successful races. And in the mix of all of them, I've had several other unsuccessful runs like this one. I really don't understand why I had such a breakdown during this run. I felt like I was drinking enough. It was fairly warm, but nothing like we've seen this past summer. Sure, I didn't have sleep....but there's lots of times I don't get the right amount of sleep. I haven't been overtraining. So I'm not very sure what's going on, but we'll get through it. I don't still want to retire.

Although today's run was a total bummer, I did come to a conclusion along the course. That conclusion is that I need to define in detail to myself "Why I do this". Months ago when I was training for my first marathon, I think my main motivation was to achieve the "next step". But instead of pressing on quickly to something more, I really feel the need to kind of "level out". To be steady for a while and to improve my performance at the distances I have already acheived. I don't want to rush out and say "I'm doing an Ironman next year!" without knowing that I can hold steady at the level I am currently on and enjoy doing so. Atleast for a while. For a couple of years. And I have a lot of obligations in my life that do not care what kind of race I'm doing next or what kind of pace I run it in. There is something in the back of my head that also reminds me that these obligations will pass quicker than I want them to, but there will always be races, marathons, and running. I know there is a happy median, and I know I will find it soon enough...I'm just having trouble finding it right now. In the meantime, I will do my assigned crossed training workout tomorrow and continue on my plan. I will pray, and I will tell God how much I love to run. How much I love to swim and bike. And how much I love to race. And how much more I love my family. And I'll ask him for some answers. And I'll wait patiently as I press on toward the goal.

I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. -Philippians 3:14

6 comments:

Cliff said...

Lana,

Don't feel too bad. You had a rough week. You kept your training flexible instead of trying to force it in (which is more detrimental to your healtha nd mind).

To go long requires longer training volume. This also require a lot of time commitment and support from family (even for me..single and have almost no responsiblity!).

A lot of ppl tend to rush into Ironman. Even for me, I give myself two years to get ready for one, I think that's really pushing it. It takes a long time for the body to learn and grow to absorb the volume needed for executing a good IM.

Just let the body grow. a s long as you are enjoying the process, everything will be fine...

have confidence in your body and your skills..i am sure God did not create you to love all this sweatiness for nothing ;)..

TriSaraTops said...

Lana--this is a very powerful post. I hope this week God brings you some peace...sounds like things are rough. But you can't retire! :) I am going through this right now on a smaller scale...trying to figure out "what next?" We're all such goal-driven people that when we reach our goal sometimes I feel "lost" until I can figure out my next goal...God gave you these talents for a reason, and your family, too--for the record, you made the RIGHT decision being with little Bo. That's what it's all about, you know? You're right--races will ALWAYS be here.

You guys with kids continue to be an inspiration to me as I get ready to begin that journey....hope all works out and I'm thinking of ya!

rice said...

Maybe you aren’t a very committed triathlete but as a mom YOU ROCK! And as for asking for answers, don’t forget to look inward. We’re made of an image that holds many of them.

Cheers.

Rice.

DaisyDuc said...

I believe many of us struggle with motivation and commitment from time to time.

I struggle to fit everything in without the kids...must be so hard for you!

Whatever you choose to do, it just needs to be what makes sense for you!

Bridgette said...

I think that what you're going thru is so normal that it would be weird if people didn't go thru it. Even if you do take a mini vaca from 'training', you wouldn't be able to stop doing it because it seems like you love it too much.

I always have this dichotomy of mother & other (athlete,worker,sister,daughter,friend), and you should never feel bad about choosing your kids over everything else.

Papa Louie said...

Sometimes the path is not that clear but one thing we do is press on.
Also tell God how much you love Him! And how thankful you are for what you have.
Peace in Him, sister TriLana.